Reason

And the Reason is you....

Youtube. 'Maybe' to say something without saying it. But how would I know. Fear had taken over me. It wasnt the only thing on my mind. Happiness. Sadness. Guilt. Unable to express either. Frustration. 

Its strange how fear plays with the mind. People run away from their fears. I run away from my fears. Humans distinguish themselves on emotions. They scare me. I fear being attached to something, to someone. I let go of things. I have never come down to expression. The mind can get all logical it wants to but the heart does run wild. And as before, in the battle of the heart and the mind, the heart hopes that the mind would be a little more considerate and the mind hopes that the heart is a little less fearful. 

The song played on my guilt all night. I had never been more disappointed of myself. First time in distinct memory I shout at someone. Someone I really like being around. Maybe I was angry because she wasnt helping me run away from my fears. She wants me to face them. Sounds like the right thing to do.

Fairy tales were told for a reason. There is a reason that the lion looked for courage where the scarecrow wanted a brain and the tinman desired a heart. Courage is necessary to deal with all your fears. Thats when you grow as a person. Thats when life gets more meaning. Fearful existence is flawed.

There is a need to deal with my own emotions. When I thought I was falling for her I ran away. Like before. She wouldnt let me. 'Not my style' she said. I had to deal with myself. 

I have to deal with myself.

Saat khoon maaf

Your room, my muffler I couldn't get it straight,

you pulled me forward, I thought it was a bait,

kiss you I wanted to, time I needed some more,

hadn't been any closer to you before

Skirkanich roof top, you held my hand,

snow to me felt like desert sand,

kiss you I wanted to, then and there,

with someone around I didn't dare.

King's speech went on to win the Oscar night,

you held onto me, I shared the king's plight,

kiss you I wanted to, the dark is tried and tested,

no big earphones though could have assisted

Valentine, Sheraton, illness abound, 

To give you company, I came around,

kiss you I wanted to, if that would have helped,

you were doing alright, your hand I held

Skirkanich secret study on the fifth floor,

Beautiful sunrise, I felt you wanted more,

kiss you I wanted to, still kept it at bay,

a call to help me out, sorry to push you away

The airport, departure, I hoped it all went fine,

you called soon, the desire was mine,

kiss you I wanted to, after our good bye's

I wasn't sure if you would keep shut your eyes

You mean more to me than I may to you,

I might be in love, I am scared if its true,

kiss you I want to, now more than ever,

hope its special for you, sorry if I shiver

'Riemann'tine

Solving the Riemann one may find
Distribution of primes irrelevant to most mankind

But what it means to you and me
Its hard for all of them to see

The Fields may be all you desire

Your calibre though is way higher

The inverse of the distribution I would like to define

My expectation function of your presence in my time

However much I may sulk and whine

I did take time to make this poem rhyme

The prime that defines you, you think is 3
The only prime which has some company

And if my expectation function turns out to be true
I wont mind being the prime 2

111

Sometimes, adrenalin is hard to conjure out of thin air.
On other times, the thin air that rushes by your ear is what builds it up.

The number reminds me of one great Umpire David Shepherd. His one step jump at multiples of the 'Nelson' is how I still remember him. I also happened to share another of his famous quirks this night. The shaking hand, although it could have had dire consequences for me.

I may not be a hard core biker but tonight was different. Space seemed to be closing up on me. I had to get out. Out of office. Out of home. Out of mind. Out of life. I raced on. It did more good than I thought.

Maybe traveling at the speed of light can help me time travel. Riding at the 'Nelson' helped me 'life travel'. Nothing changed. Something did. A fear was overcome.

'Life' to move on. Or was it 'Time'?

Extending the weekend

DumbC nightout:

When some people were asked to close their eyes while others wished later that they had too :P

Live band & Luke Kenny(Rock On!) at Hard Rock Cafe:

When giving company to a friend is both good and bad. Treats are never to be denied I should add.

Midnight buffet at Novotel & Glenkinchie:

A reason to celebrate long overdue. A bite, a sip and hours of guftugu.

Drive to Bhongir Fort & trek:

Friends for company and songs to sing. A 'dizzy' trek but safely down the hill.

Lunch at udaya vensor including kheer:

Built up hype well lived up to. Hosts were many but my credits to Dear Addu.

Bike trip:

Stupid broken thumb meant I took the backseat. No regrets as as we touched 110 at least.

Sunset at lake:

Discovery of what could be the perfect Beer Stop. Calm and serene, away from the old city mob.

"Awesome" [egg & maggi] for Dinner:

Some people can't help but praise their cooking. Safely finished, hope could have said the same for the biking.

Win for Delhi Daredevils:

Delightful end to the memorable 3 days. Delhi all the way, yes IPL is the craze.

The Dry High

When things stop making sense.
At least to you.
Whichever way.
Thats a high.
When an emotion persists.
Even if you deny.
Thats a high.
Time slows down.
It still goes by.
Thats a high.
When nothing can scare you.
Except you.
Thats a high.
When you truly realize what you desire.
And why.
Thats a high.
When you do things you should not.
Which otherwise you would not.
Thats a high.
When you are what you would be.
If only you could be.
Thats a high.

After 4 days at home

Breezy night.
Triple bike ride.
Heavy dinner.
Belts a little tight.
Back to home.
Its a little quiet.
End of long weekend.
Oh! What a delight.

A Brief and Spicy Encounter

On the flight back from Delhi to Hyderabad, well not really on board yet. I and a friend were in queue to board the plane when the flight steward at the front gate asked us to board from the back gate as our seats were in the rear of the plane. As we proceeded towards the back gate there was no one in front of us. I climbed up the stairs and the two air-hostesses at the door were "busy" to even wish me and my friend a warm welcome.

To be a little more explicit (without being indecent and far from being a complete pervert), one of them wasn't even facing me as I entered. I could see the hands of the second hostess in ahem... places and tilting of heads beyond the normal neck pain relief exercise. As one of them saw me they broke off in a very uneasy manner and I had what I would term as the coldest welcome anyone could have while boarding a flight.

No service by them during flight while I was awake and no sign of them while de-boarding. It didn't end as well as it had started. But all I could say while narrating this was that imagination can sure take you places.

One man's fantasy, another man's reality.

Someone gets a new name!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a duck,
He slipped off, oh! what the f**k,
laughing stood bansal,
laughing stood the sid's,
laughing stood sanneo,
while he cried like a kid :P

Living by the American clock

Some live in America.
Some live the American dream.
I, sadly, am living by the American clock.

Everything I do nowadays tends to happen in accordance with the American clock. (Now that I notice even my blog post time is by default the American time) Some say it happens to those who tread the path I am on. Others don't really understand why I am still doing it. Many don't even know what is it that I am actually doing. And above all my mom doesn't know whether what she serves me at 8 in the night is dinner or lunch.

But I just hope all this pays off. Come to think of it, if this does pay off, I might actually end up living by the American clock.
Huh... Big Deal. As if I already wasn't.

One finger too many

2nd September
5 AM
3 people in the intel lab
( there was a fourth one but lets leave him alone for a while )
one finger too many

harry: shit yaar mera system hang ho gaya
sanneo: ( looking at his system ) hmmm...
harry: sanneo ... kya karna hai?
sanneo: mera login try kar le
harry: command line?
sanneo: aur kya... ALT+CTRL+F1
harry: tera to chal raha hai
sanneo: mast hai... ab gui chala le ...
harry: kaise
sanneo: huh?? mujhe nahi pata ... ( delves into a man page )
lets see
( tries one option too many )
kya yaar mera system bhi atak gaya
harry: mere system par try kar
sanneo: ok ...
( several attempts and gets the gui to go )
mast ... chal gaya ... dekh
harry: sahiiii...
tere system par mera login bhi ho gaya
ab main apne system par ssh karta hun
( bansal enters scene )
bansal: kaunsa system kiska hai
harry: ( gesturing ) ye sanchit ka tha par ab main login hun kyunki mere par mera login nahi ho raha aur sanchit ka mere par ho raha hai
bansal: ( confused as anyone would be ) to tum ek dusre ke upar kyun baithe ho ??
sanneo: arre yaar par teri files to ispar hai ...
harry: wo to maine ssh kiya hai ... finger karke dekh ...
bansal: kya sanneo tu harry ke system ko finger karega ...
sanneo: huh ?? ( unaware he goes ahead and fingers it )
harry: main to abhi bhi hun wahan ...
logout karke login kar
( 2 min silence while sanneo logs out and logs in )
harry: haan ab finger kar
sanneo: ek minute
harry: finger kar na
sanneo: ye kya ...( something unexpected appears on the screen )
harry: finger kar na ...
( then notices the screen )
kya kar raha hai achche se kar ...
( sanneo gets confused and starts moving about the mouse furtively )
sanneo: huh ?? kya?

( Three people laughing their asses off ... one on the floor ... another on the verge of falling and the third still trying to finger his way in )

( Fourth guy from mcl lab enters )
FG: kya yaar tumhara sab kaam ho gaya kya??